Confidence

Why do some people have confidence in themselves while others suffer from low self-esteem?

I've pondered this question a lot lately. I have complete confidence in my abilities to be a good mother, but since the only marriage I was ever in failed, I realize that maybe I wasn't the best wife. As a direct result of this revelation, my confidence in being a mate has been shaken quite a bit.

I know I did the best I could with what I was given. I cleaned up the messes: the literal ones and the figurative ones. I gave Ex time to sleep off his drunken binges, I covered for him at work, and I ignored many, many remarks I shouldn't have. Did I do the right thing? I'll never really get a straight answer to that question, will I?

I know that I'm better off for ending that miserable marriage. I know one day, my daughter will understand that I didn't do it to hurt her, but to protect her from the same mental and emotional abuse to which I was subjected. But it's so hard when she tells me that she misses Daddy. I never quite know how to respond to that statement. I don't miss him. I was emotionally alone for so long that I can barely remember ever being happy.

I've worked really, REALLY hard on getting my confidence back. I've slowly returned to being my normal, sassy-mouthed, sarcastic self. It's great to be back. I'm happy and life is good. I've armed myself with tools to deal with self-pity, depression, guilt, anger and sadness. These things come at me occasionally, they team up every so often to try to give me the ol' double-whammy, but I've been able to find my center much more easily than ever before. I used to wallow in these negative feelings for days, sometimes weeks, but not anymore. I have confidence, happiness, sweetness & light and my mojo...they're never going to leave me again, because I'll never give them up again.

The Games People Play...

Why do men and women play games with one another? Ahhh, if I had the answer to that question, I'd be rolling in bajillions of greenbacks!!

Let me explain, my ex-husband moved out, at my request in July of 2006 and our divorce was final on May 9, 2007, exactly 10 years, to the day, after he proposed marriage. I've been dealing with a whole barrage of emotions in both myself and my now 5 year old daughter, FRU, since. FRU handled the chaos by cutting everything out of her diet except chicken nuggets and PB&J...without crust, of course. I handled the chaos by going to Al-Anon meetings. You see, Ex is an alcoholic who is not in recovery and who blames me for everything.

So, I met this guy, R, on Saturday after going through an on-line dating website. We texted (is "texted" officially a verb yet?) and chatted all last week and he came to Brooklyn to meet me and we had dinner. There wasn't an uncomfortable lull in conversation. We talked about our kids, our jobs, a bit about our exes, our travels...and other things that don't come to mind at the moment. We lingered over coffee and held hands...all that jazz. I was kissed, quite thoroughly as a matter of fact, before he left, which left me a bit breathless, in a good way.

He texted me before he got to the bridge, which is only about 3 minutes from where I live to set up the next time we could meet.

To make a long story short, he drove to Brooklyn AGAIN on Sunday night, to have coffee with me at Starbucks. We talked, held hands...and yes, he kissed me again.

And since....NOTHING!!! We send one another a few vague texts, but other than that...NOTHING!!!

As if it remains "nothing" for a bit longer, I'm done.

I'm waaaaaaay too old for games. I have no time for this kind of nonsense. One of my friends told me that he probably got a lot of crap from his friends about coming to see me again on Sunday night so now he's playing it cool. Whatever...

So, the question remains....why do people play games? If someone doesn't interest you, don't lie to him/her or pretend to have interest. Pick up the phone or log on to your email and simply say, "This isn't something I'd like to pursue." Why is that so difficult for certain people?

And is there is genuine interest, just say it...or express it.

Until I hear from R, if ever, I will continue to attempt to devise a theory to answer my question and if ever find out the answer to that question, I'll be sure to donate some of my bajillions to a taskforce that stops women from doing dumb things when they should be realizing that he wasn't all that into them to start with.

What I Love...

I've been reading the blogs of some friends lately and one in particular got me thinking. She wrote about what she loved. I thought I'd make my own list and see what I came up with.

I love, in no particular order (and this list is by no means complete): teddy bears, pasta with marinara sauce and meatballs, coffee mixed to my exact specifications, hugs from loved ones (especially my daughter), thunderstorms, pretty shoes, wearing my favorite sexy underwear on any average workday, bras that make "the girls" look and feel fabulous, the idea of a soul mate, learning how to date again, the miracles of modern medicine, the miracles of modern cosmetology, prayers, clarity, being comfortable with my decisions, my homemade chili, planning surprises, men who are sure of themselves enough to not need a woman to take care of them, margaritas, everything bagels with cream cheese and BBQ potato chips, Diet Mountain Dew, Starbucks Toffee Nut Lattes, my own self-discovery after years of hiding my true self, my confidence, Beach Music by Pat Conroy, The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells, my DVR, my health insurance and the idea of reincarnation.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. The older I get, the more multi-faceted I become. There are so many things in my life and this world to enjoy and learn to love. 4 years ago, I swore I'd never eat sushi; now, I crave it like a pregnant woman wants pickles.

Life experiences add entries to the List of Loves every day...that's the whole point, isn't it.

Comfort

It's rainy, miserable and downright cold for New York in August. It's a damp and dank 58 degrees as I write this and I'm thinking about how I'm going to stay warm.

I suppose it's too warm for flannel pajamas, but it's the perfect temperature for soup. It's the sure-fire way to feel warm and comforted.

I've discovered during the last year or so that there are many things out there that comfort me. Knowing that there are friends in at least 4 time zones I can call when I need to talk. Knowing I have a fully-functioning coffee maker. Knowing I have a healthy child. Knowing I have an education that no one can ever take away from me. Knowing I can prepare healthy, and well, comforting meals. Knowing I'll always have enough for the bills and there'll be a bit leftover for some little extravagence. Knowing that I own Steel Magnolias on DVD; this movie is always good for a laugh, which is a comfort.

I suppose people take their comfort in different ways. Some people I know need so much more that I do to feel comforted: expensive shoes, huge houses. There are also those who need so little; for example, my grandmother, she simply needs her children and grandchildren to gather about once a year.

I used to depend almost exclusively on food for comfort. If I had a bad day, then I'd simply start dreaming about what I would eat for dinner to chase the bad feelings away. I suppose anyone with an addiction does the same thing: a drug addict would think about his/her next fix, a compulsive shopper would think about where to shop, a alcoholic would just muddle through till they could start drinking.

Knowing there are beauties in the damndest places is enough of a comfort to get me through through this miserably rainy day.

Love, In All Its Forms...

This is always the last line I type when I post my Gratitude on my message boards. Sometimes I'm grateful for coffee, sometimes I'm grateful for my daughter, sometimes I'm grateful for not carrying any weapons to work so I can't hurt anyone...but I'm always thankful for the love I have in my life.

I've been blessed with the most amazing child. She's a diva who only wears dresses, wants to be a princess when she grows up, hates to leave the house with lip gloss and is the world's best cuddler. She really is my favorite person in the whole world. She's fun to be around, even if the Diva thing gets a bit old sometimes. She's actually commented to me not that long ago that only boys wear pajamas and that I should buy myself a nightgown.

I also have great parents. Sure, they're opinionated and stubborn, but supportive when they need to be and keep their mouths shut when it's most important. But, honestly, I have no idea what we're going to talk about once they retire. So many of our conversations revolve around what they're going to do when they retire. I still have an estimated 28 years till I retire so I can find lots of other subjects to chat about.

My girlfriends have carried me through some pretty trying experiences...major surgery, my divorce, family court appearances, debt, loneliness and the season finales of Dancing with Stars and So You Think You Can Dance. They tell me when I need to slow down, they tell me when I'm being ridiculous, they tell me to get over myself, they support me when I'm angry (unless I start searching for the aforementioned weapons), they tell it's ok to cry and they tell me when to stop...I wonder how I would have gotten through the last year without them.

I have taken steps to cut out family that suck the love and energy I have to offer out of me. I have been through way too much in the last year to love unconditionally anymore. I know that's sad, but it is what it is. Life is too damn short to be miserable, it's too damn short to spend it with relatives with whom you have nothing in common and with whom you have no respect.

One day, another friend or a man will walk into my life and the ability to love unconditionally will return, but for now, I'm grateful for the love I have for my family, the love I have for my friends, the love I have for myself...and the love of Starbucks Toffee Nut Lattes...which are a little bit of heaven right here on earth.

Sorry It's Been So Long...

Time has a sneaky way of sneaking away from me. It's been almost 4 months since my last blog and I really don't have a good excuse about why it's been so long.

I went away with my Ya Ya's at the end of June. We all met on a message board about 2 years ago and get together in someone's hometown every summer. 2 years ago we met in Atlanta; last year, we had our gathering in Kalispell, Montana and this year we all met up in Pittsburgh.

Ahhh, Pittsburgh. I'm lovin' this city. Its beauty is quite different from New York's beauty, it is much more rugged, but it is something to behold. My friend, J, and her husband, B, settled in Pittsburgh about 6 years ago after B got a transfer. They have this incredble house; it was built inthe 1880's (At least that's whatI remember), with 8 bedrooms, a maid's staircase and great porch out front with a tiled floor and enough room for a table and chairs and a hammock.

There are about 8 in the core group. Some are SAHM's, some are women with jobs, some have children, some can't have children, almost all of us have been divorced, but there are the chosen few who seemed to get it right the first time. These women have carried me through major surgery, divorce, and depression. They've made me laugh, they've cried with me and they've told me to get the hell over myself when I needed to hear it most. There's not an ounce of bullshit in the whole lot. And after living a lie for so long, it's a welcome change.

In another area of my life...FRU is starting kindergarten in September, which is hard for me. At this moment 5 years, I was so pregnant that I was about to explode and now I'm getting that wee bairn ready for kindergarten. I now know what all of those parents have been complaining about for centuries...where did all the time go? Just a minute ago, I was praying she's sleep through the night so I could get some rest and now I need to buy her some black marbled notebooks and few pencils. It's simply baffling.

Just last night, she marched into my room and declared that she could spell her name. She recited each letter of her name and I have to admit, my knees buckled...just a bit.

I see changes in her everyday. She's more of a child now and less of a baby. She's tall, articulate, stubborn (gee, I wonder from where she got that trait?!?) and sweet. Oh, her sweetness!! She'll look at me when I'm feeling unpretty, or sad, or overwhelmed, or vulnerable and she say, "Mommy, I think you're beautiful!" All of a sudden, after hearing that, things dont' look so gray, so bleak, so...overwhelming.

My child loves me...and life continues to get better and better...

Making Headway with my Head

Getting my act together is one of the hardest tasks I've ever had to perform. Life seems to get in the way of the best intentions.

I'm working on a complex, very detail oriented project at work right now and I'm mourning the loss of my great aunt, who passed away on Sunday morning in Alabama. My dear grandmother won't be able to go to her sister's funeral and I know that will take an emotional toll on her. There's also the divorce and child support stuff to deal with as well as the day-to-day details.

In years past, I would have gone to the supermarket or the McDonald's drive thru, then gone home, then gone to pieces. I used food as a crutch, as a friend and as a drug.

After my gastric bypass, I can't do that any longer. I must deal with each issue of my life as it arises and I'm getting better at it. It's still a pain in the ass and I wish very often that I could escape, but if it's one lesson I've learned over the last two years, it's that I can't escape.

I helped a friend through a difficult situation last week. She did something she wasn't proud of and needed to talk about it. I didn't judge her, it's really not up to me to judge anyone, but she didn't want to think of the situation's cause. There was a specific reason she did what she did. And once she made that connection, the whole thing became easier to deal with. She called me a few days later to thank me for not letting her wallow in the outcome.

This is how I've chosen to live with the rest of my life. If I ignore situations, or try to escape them, they grow and fester and become much, MUCH bigger than they were originally. They start to overwhelm me and there's simply no room in my complicated life right now for overwhelming situations.

On a lighter note, I think I'm ready to start dating again. I even have my eyes set on someone, but, of course, I haven't seen him since I decided it would be a good idea to have coffee with him. Who knows what will happen, but I guess the bigger point to get across is that I think I've healed enough to entertain the idea of companionship again. My ex will always be a part of my life by virtue of us having a child together, but that doesn't mean that I can't share my time with someone.

So, in essence, what I'm trying to say is that life is good. It's trying, it's busy, it's complicated...but it's bright and happy and good...