Tuesday, August 21, 2007


It's rainy, miserable and downright cold for New York in August. It's a damp and dank 58 degrees as I write this and I'm thinking about how I'm going to stay warm.

I suppose it's too warm for flannel pajamas, but it's the perfect temperature for soup. It's the sure-fire way to feel warm and comforted.

I've discovered during the last year or so that there are many things out there that comfort me. Knowing that there are friends in at least 4 time zones I can call when I need to talk. Knowing I have a fully-functioning coffee maker. Knowing I have a healthy child. Knowing I have an education that no one can ever take away from me. Knowing I can prepare healthy, and well, comforting meals. Knowing I'll always have enough for the bills and there'll be a bit leftover for some little extravagence. Knowing that I own Steel Magnolias on DVD; this movie is always good for a laugh, which is a comfort.

I suppose people take their comfort in different ways. Some people I know need so much more that I do to feel comforted: expensive shoes, huge houses. There are also those who need so little; for example, my grandmother, she simply needs her children and grandchildren to gather about once a year.

I used to depend almost exclusively on food for comfort. If I had a bad day, then I'd simply start dreaming about what I would eat for dinner to chase the bad feelings away. I suppose anyone with an addiction does the same thing: a drug addict would think about his/her next fix, a compulsive shopper would think about where to shop, a alcoholic would just muddle through till they could start drinking.

Knowing there are beauties in the damndest places is enough of a comfort to get me through through this miserably rainy day.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Love, In All Its Forms...

This is always the last line I type when I post my Gratitude on my message boards. Sometimes I'm grateful for coffee, sometimes I'm grateful for my daughter, sometimes I'm grateful for not carrying any weapons to work so I can't hurt anyone...but I'm always thankful for the love I have in my life.

I've been blessed with the most amazing child. She's a diva who only wears dresses, wants to be a princess when she grows up, hates to leave the house with lip gloss and is the world's best cuddler. She really is my favorite person in the whole world. She's fun to be around, even if the Diva thing gets a bit old sometimes. She's actually commented to me not that long ago that only boys wear pajamas and that I should buy myself a nightgown.

I also have great parents. Sure, they're opinionated and stubborn, but supportive when they need to be and keep their mouths shut when it's most important. But, honestly, I have no idea what we're going to talk about once they retire. So many of our conversations revolve around what they're going to do when they retire. I still have an estimated 28 years till I retire so I can find lots of other subjects to chat about.

My girlfriends have carried me through some pretty trying experiences...major surgery, my divorce, family court appearances, debt, loneliness and the season finales of Dancing with Stars and So You Think You Can Dance. They tell me when I need to slow down, they tell me when I'm being ridiculous, they tell me to get over myself, they support me when I'm angry (unless I start searching for the aforementioned weapons), they tell it's ok to cry and they tell me when to stop...I wonder how I would have gotten through the last year without them.

I have taken steps to cut out family that suck the love and energy I have to offer out of me. I have been through way too much in the last year to love unconditionally anymore. I know that's sad, but it is what it is. Life is too damn short to be miserable, it's too damn short to spend it with relatives with whom you have nothing in common and with whom you have no respect.

One day, another friend or a man will walk into my life and the ability to love unconditionally will return, but for now, I'm grateful for the love I have for my family, the love I have for my friends, the love I have for myself...and the love of Starbucks Toffee Nut Lattes...which are a little bit of heaven right here on earth.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Sorry It's Been So Long...

Time has a sneaky way of sneaking away from me. It's been almost 4 months since my last blog and I really don't have a good excuse about why it's been so long.

I went away with my Ya Ya's at the end of June. We all met on a message board about 2 years ago and get together in someone's hometown every summer. 2 years ago we met in Atlanta; last year, we had our gathering in Kalispell, Montana and this year we all met up in Pittsburgh.

Ahhh, Pittsburgh. I'm lovin' this city. Its beauty is quite different from New York's beauty, it is much more rugged, but it is something to behold. My friend, J, and her husband, B, settled in Pittsburgh about 6 years ago after B got a transfer. They have this incredble house; it was built inthe 1880's (At least that's whatI remember), with 8 bedrooms, a maid's staircase and great porch out front with a tiled floor and enough room for a table and chairs and a hammock.

There are about 8 in the core group. Some are SAHM's, some are women with jobs, some have children, some can't have children, almost all of us have been divorced, but there are the chosen few who seemed to get it right the first time. These women have carried me through major surgery, divorce, and depression. They've made me laugh, they've cried with me and they've told me to get the hell over myself when I needed to hear it most. There's not an ounce of bullshit in the whole lot. And after living a lie for so long, it's a welcome change.

In another area of my life...FRU is starting kindergarten in September, which is hard for me. At this moment 5 years, I was so pregnant that I was about to explode and now I'm getting that wee bairn ready for kindergarten. I now know what all of those parents have been complaining about for centuries...where did all the time go? Just a minute ago, I was praying she's sleep through the night so I could get some rest and now I need to buy her some black marbled notebooks and few pencils. It's simply baffling.

Just last night, she marched into my room and declared that she could spell her name. She recited each letter of her name and I have to admit, my knees buckled...just a bit.

I see changes in her everyday. She's more of a child now and less of a baby. She's tall, articulate, stubborn (gee, I wonder from where she got that trait?!?) and sweet. Oh, her sweetness!! She'll look at me when I'm feeling unpretty, or sad, or overwhelmed, or vulnerable and she say, "Mommy, I think you're beautiful!" All of a sudden, after hearing that, things dont' look so gray, so bleak, so...overwhelming.

My child loves me...and life continues to get better and better...