Friday, September 28, 2007

Just So Ya Know, I Still Hate Playing Games and Other Musings

Ok, I'm sooo done with R...but it seems like he was done with me first, so that point is moot, huh?

The whole thing came out of left field, kinda side-swiped me, spun me around till I was dizzy and then exited stage right.

I liked R, I did...was I planning on packing my stuff and start shopping for a white dress...ABSOLUTELY NOT! But I would have liked to continue to see him. Maybe he was pissed that I didn't call, maybe my expectations were too high, maybe I wasn't reading the universe's signs that were telling me not to bother with him...who knows, but if he really is as needy as his last text message indicates, perhaps it's just as well that we didn't get too involved.

I have no idea what happened, but on, another front, I have the whole weekend laid out in front of me. FRU will spend the weekend with Ex so as of about Noon tomorrow, I'M ON MY OWN, for about 24 hours. Oh, the possibilities...

I think I'll head to Manhattan: see a movie, go browsing in the Strand for books I don't need (but MUST have), eat in some fun, hole-in-the-wall restaurant...basically, do things for me. I'm sure there will be a new lipstick from Sephora involved and well as a plain, ole regular Coke. Man, I just love Coke, but if I drank it at the rate that I'd like to, I'd be a 800 pound diabetic with really, REALLY bad teeth.

The possibilities that are unfolding in my life are so exciting. Sometimes they leave me breathless, sometimes they leave me bewildered and sometimes it leaves me angry. But the game-playing is something I'd outlaw, given the possibility. Men and women are so cruel to one another...are there people out there who truly think they're scoring points on some cosmic scorecard when they hurt the people they date?

Monday, September 24, 2007


Why do some people have confidence in themselves while others suffer from low self-esteem?

I've pondered this question a lot lately. I have complete confidence in my abilities to be a good mother, but since the only marriage I was ever in failed, I realize that maybe I wasn't the best wife. As a direct result of this revelation, my confidence in being a mate has been shaken quite a bit.

I know I did the best I could with what I was given. I cleaned up the messes: the literal ones and the figurative ones. I gave Ex time to sleep off his drunken binges, I covered for him at work, and I ignored many, many remarks I shouldn't have. Did I do the right thing? I'll never really get a straight answer to that question, will I?

I know that I'm better off for ending that miserable marriage. I know one day, my daughter will understand that I didn't do it to hurt her, but to protect her from the same mental and emotional abuse to which I was subjected. But it's so hard when she tells me that she misses Daddy. I never quite know how to respond to that statement. I don't miss him. I was emotionally alone for so long that I can barely remember ever being happy.

I've worked really, REALLY hard on getting my confidence back. I've slowly returned to being my normal, sassy-mouthed, sarcastic self. It's great to be back. I'm happy and life is good. I've armed myself with tools to deal with self-pity, depression, guilt, anger and sadness. These things come at me occasionally, they team up every so often to try to give me the ol' double-whammy, but I've been able to find my center much more easily than ever before. I used to wallow in these negative feelings for days, sometimes weeks, but not anymore. I have confidence, happiness, sweetness & light and my mojo...they're never going to leave me again, because I'll never give them up again.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Games People Play...

Why do men and women play games with one another? Ahhh, if I had the answer to that question, I'd be rolling in bajillions of greenbacks!!

Let me explain, my ex-husband moved out, at my request in July of 2006 and our divorce was final on May 9, 2007, exactly 10 years, to the day, after he proposed marriage. I've been dealing with a whole barrage of emotions in both myself and my now 5 year old daughter, FRU, since. FRU handled the chaos by cutting everything out of her diet except chicken nuggets and PB&J...without crust, of course. I handled the chaos by going to Al-Anon meetings. You see, Ex is an alcoholic who is not in recovery and who blames me for everything.

So, I met this guy, R, on Saturday after going through an on-line dating website. We texted (is "texted" officially a verb yet?) and chatted all last week and he came to Brooklyn to meet me and we had dinner. There wasn't an uncomfortable lull in conversation. We talked about our kids, our jobs, a bit about our exes, our travels...and other things that don't come to mind at the moment. We lingered over coffee and held hands...all that jazz. I was kissed, quite thoroughly as a matter of fact, before he left, which left me a bit breathless, in a good way.

He texted me before he got to the bridge, which is only about 3 minutes from where I live to set up the next time we could meet.

To make a long story short, he drove to Brooklyn AGAIN on Sunday night, to have coffee with me at Starbucks. We talked, held hands...and yes, he kissed me again.

And since....NOTHING!!! We send one another a few vague texts, but other than that...NOTHING!!!

As if it remains "nothing" for a bit longer, I'm done.

I'm waaaaaaay too old for games. I have no time for this kind of nonsense. One of my friends told me that he probably got a lot of crap from his friends about coming to see me again on Sunday night so now he's playing it cool. Whatever...

So, the question remains....why do people play games? If someone doesn't interest you, don't lie to him/her or pretend to have interest. Pick up the phone or log on to your email and simply say, "This isn't something I'd like to pursue." Why is that so difficult for certain people?

And is there is genuine interest, just say it...or express it.

Until I hear from R, if ever, I will continue to attempt to devise a theory to answer my question and if ever find out the answer to that question, I'll be sure to donate some of my bajillions to a taskforce that stops women from doing dumb things when they should be realizing that he wasn't all that into them to start with.

Monday, September 10, 2007

What I Love...

I've been reading the blogs of some friends lately and one in particular got me thinking. She wrote about what she loved. I thought I'd make my own list and see what I came up with.

I love, in no particular order (and this list is by no means complete): teddy bears, pasta with marinara sauce and meatballs, coffee mixed to my exact specifications, hugs from loved ones (especially my daughter), thunderstorms, pretty shoes, wearing my favorite sexy underwear on any average workday, bras that make "the girls" look and feel fabulous, the idea of a soul mate, learning how to date again, the miracles of modern medicine, the miracles of modern cosmetology, prayers, clarity, being comfortable with my decisions, my homemade chili, planning surprises, men who are sure of themselves enough to not need a woman to take care of them, margaritas, everything bagels with cream cheese and BBQ potato chips, Diet Mountain Dew, Starbucks Toffee Nut Lattes, my own self-discovery after years of hiding my true self, my confidence, Beach Music by Pat Conroy, The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells, my DVR, my health insurance and the idea of reincarnation.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. The older I get, the more multi-faceted I become. There are so many things in my life and this world to enjoy and learn to love. 4 years ago, I swore I'd never eat sushi; now, I crave it like a pregnant woman wants pickles.

Life experiences add entries to the List of Loves every day...that's the whole point, isn't it.