Tuesday, October 9, 2012

One of Those Weird Periods of My Lfe

I've been reading the blog posts of friends and it seems we're all weary, yet on the cusp of something fabulous.

Life here is finding its groove again. School has settled into its routine, work is steadily crazy instead of manically so. All the extra-curriculurs are in full-swing, but they're not annoying yet. The weather is changing and it seems more glorious than in years past.

I find myself wondering why things happen the way they do. I'm wondering about this A LOT lately. I have words that were left unsaid, I have emotions I'm afraid to feel. I have discovering a well of faith inside me that I didn't know I had.

Yet, I'm so tired. And skeptical. And numb.And I hate feeling those things.I break through them when I'm conscious of it but I'm not conscious of it all that often anymore.

The Kid and I went apple picking this past weekend. Although we had fun and didn't even mind that it was raining, the car ride was the best part. We laughed and talked and renewed our bond. I almost pity Ex because his bond with The Kid is irrevocably broken. He's going to miss having The Kid's adoration.

I was just getting around to feeling sorry for myself here at my desk. My co-worker is out on vacation and in addition to the 2 full-time jobs I'm doing right now, I'm covering for her too. I'm swamped all the time and I hate it. It seems that all tasks are only barely done when the next emergency comes down the pike. And then...a patient presents with an emergency situation. Having patients in pain come down the hall past my desk always give me the perspective I need. I wish they didn't have to feel pain in order for me to learn the lesson. Maybe they'd feel pain whether I learned my lesson or not. Perhaps the lesson is all about timing.

As I put one foot in front of the other, I wonder when things will be easier for me. Or maybe this is the easy part. I hate not knowing.

Peace, that's all I want. I want to know that I'm doing the right thing. I want to not get headaches worrying about things. I want to know what it's like to be care-free, even if it's just for a little while.

I know something fabulous is right around the corner for me. Will it be a complete remission diagnosis for my mom? Or could it be that I'll be debt-free soon? Or will I finally be recognized for my work? Or will it be that I'll be able to finish thinking/speaking a complete thought before I'm interrupted?

Who knows...but I'm ready for the next thing. It's not that I don't want to learn my lessons; I just want to feel joy again...

Wondering What The Lesson Is In All Of This

So, the last few weeks and months have been a whirlwind of emotions.

Work is, in a word, complete chaos. The state slashed its budget several months ago and lay-offs were looming. The administrative coordinator of the unit in which I work was on the chopping block and she knew it. Like any hipster/networker/Gen X-Y’er, she began looking for work immediately. And she found a new job pretty quickly. So guess who gets her job. Guess who still has the other job too. And guess who gets to do 2 full-time jobs without a raise. Yeah, that would be me…sucker!!

The Ex is out on disability. Permanently. I know he’s sick and I wouldn’t want to be that sick for all the tea in China, but man, it pisses me off. This scenario could have been prevented…or at least postponed. He went unmedicated for 7 years, he drank like a fish and smoked like a chimney…even after 2 neurologists told him that drinking excessively (Ex can’t have 1 or 2 drinks; he has an extensive history of drinking excessively) and smoking would exacerbate the symptoms of his neurological disorder. He only has himself to blame.

And the real kick in the ass is that Mom was diagnosed with cancer. She was so weak from torn abdominal muscles, but they were the catalyst to get her to the doctor and the ER. She’s already started treatments and she’s already felt some of the side effects. I’ve sat and chatted with her like I haven’t done so in years. Being faced with her mortality is shocking us all into submission.

My friend, R, just had MAJOR oral surgery. My friend, D, is marking a year since her mother passed from cancer. My friend, S, is having marital turmoil. My friend, M, is dealing with financial discomfort. And my child, my sweet sensitive loving old soul of a child, struggles with wanting to love her father and needing to protect herself from his mayhem.

It just seems that everyone I know is bearing their private troubles very publicly. The stars and planets seem to be all out of alignment. I’m crying over the littlest things but taking Communion at Mass and talking to God helps like it never has before.

When I was in the midst of divorce proceedings and the visitation court battle, I learned to stop asking the rhetorical question of why, but to figure out the lesson in all of my challenges for myself. Sometimes, I’m more successful than others.

I wonder why good people are being stricken with cancer. I wonder when bad things will happen to bad people instead of to good people. I wonder why prayer sometimes works more than medicine. I wonder why Ex can’t realize that the mess he’s made of his relationship with his child will probably never be repaired.

I just want to learn from all that happening around me, but I’m too busy crying and numbing myself to the emotional pain.