Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Wondering What The Lesson Is In All Of This

So, the last few weeks and months have been a whirlwind of emotions.

Work is, in a word, complete chaos. The state slashed its budget several months ago and lay-offs were looming. The administrative coordinator of the unit in which I work was on the chopping block and she knew it. Like any hipster/networker/Gen X-Y’er, she began looking for work immediately. And she found a new job pretty quickly. So guess who gets her job. Guess who still has the other job too. And guess who gets to do 2 full-time jobs without a raise. Yeah, that would be me…sucker!!

The Ex is out on disability. Permanently. I know he’s sick and I wouldn’t want to be that sick for all the tea in China, but man, it pisses me off. This scenario could have been prevented…or at least postponed. He went unmedicated for 7 years, he drank like a fish and smoked like a chimney…even after 2 neurologists told him that drinking excessively (Ex can’t have 1 or 2 drinks; he has an extensive history of drinking excessively) and smoking would exacerbate the symptoms of his neurological disorder. He only has himself to blame.

And the real kick in the ass is that Mom was diagnosed with cancer. She was so weak from torn abdominal muscles, but they were the catalyst to get her to the doctor and the ER. She’s already started treatments and she’s already felt some of the side effects. I’ve sat and chatted with her like I haven’t done so in years. Being faced with her mortality is shocking us all into submission.

My friend, R, just had MAJOR oral surgery. My friend, D, is marking a year since her mother passed from cancer. My friend, S, is having marital turmoil. My friend, M, is dealing with financial discomfort. And my child, my sweet sensitive loving old soul of a child, struggles with wanting to love her father and needing to protect herself from his mayhem.

It just seems that everyone I know is bearing their private troubles very publicly. The stars and planets seem to be all out of alignment. I’m crying over the littlest things but taking Communion at Mass and talking to God helps like it never has before.

When I was in the midst of divorce proceedings and the visitation court battle, I learned to stop asking the rhetorical question of why, but to figure out the lesson in all of my challenges for myself. Sometimes, I’m more successful than others.

I wonder why good people are being stricken with cancer. I wonder when bad things will happen to bad people instead of to good people. I wonder why prayer sometimes works more than medicine. I wonder why Ex can’t realize that the mess he’s made of his relationship with his child will probably never be repaired.

I just want to learn from all that happening around me, but I’m too busy crying and numbing myself to the emotional pain.

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