Tuesday, October 9, 2012

One of Those Weird Periods of My Lfe

I've been reading the blog posts of friends and it seems we're all weary, yet on the cusp of something fabulous.

Life here is finding its groove again. School has settled into its routine, work is steadily crazy instead of manically so. All the extra-curriculurs are in full-swing, but they're not annoying yet. The weather is changing and it seems more glorious than in years past.

I find myself wondering why things happen the way they do. I'm wondering about this A LOT lately. I have words that were left unsaid, I have emotions I'm afraid to feel. I have discovering a well of faith inside me that I didn't know I had.

Yet, I'm so tired. And skeptical. And numb.And I hate feeling those things.I break through them when I'm conscious of it but I'm not conscious of it all that often anymore.

The Kid and I went apple picking this past weekend. Although we had fun and didn't even mind that it was raining, the car ride was the best part. We laughed and talked and renewed our bond. I almost pity Ex because his bond with The Kid is irrevocably broken. He's going to miss having The Kid's adoration.

I was just getting around to feeling sorry for myself here at my desk. My co-worker is out on vacation and in addition to the 2 full-time jobs I'm doing right now, I'm covering for her too. I'm swamped all the time and I hate it. It seems that all tasks are only barely done when the next emergency comes down the pike. And then...a patient presents with an emergency situation. Having patients in pain come down the hall past my desk always give me the perspective I need. I wish they didn't have to feel pain in order for me to learn the lesson. Maybe they'd feel pain whether I learned my lesson or not. Perhaps the lesson is all about timing.

As I put one foot in front of the other, I wonder when things will be easier for me. Or maybe this is the easy part. I hate not knowing.

Peace, that's all I want. I want to know that I'm doing the right thing. I want to not get headaches worrying about things. I want to know what it's like to be care-free, even if it's just for a little while.

I know something fabulous is right around the corner for me. Will it be a complete remission diagnosis for my mom? Or could it be that I'll be debt-free soon? Or will I finally be recognized for my work? Or will it be that I'll be able to finish thinking/speaking a complete thought before I'm interrupted?

Who knows...but I'm ready for the next thing. It's not that I don't want to learn my lessons; I just want to feel joy again...

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