Monday, September 24, 2007


Why do some people have confidence in themselves while others suffer from low self-esteem?

I've pondered this question a lot lately. I have complete confidence in my abilities to be a good mother, but since the only marriage I was ever in failed, I realize that maybe I wasn't the best wife. As a direct result of this revelation, my confidence in being a mate has been shaken quite a bit.

I know I did the best I could with what I was given. I cleaned up the messes: the literal ones and the figurative ones. I gave Ex time to sleep off his drunken binges, I covered for him at work, and I ignored many, many remarks I shouldn't have. Did I do the right thing? I'll never really get a straight answer to that question, will I?

I know that I'm better off for ending that miserable marriage. I know one day, my daughter will understand that I didn't do it to hurt her, but to protect her from the same mental and emotional abuse to which I was subjected. But it's so hard when she tells me that she misses Daddy. I never quite know how to respond to that statement. I don't miss him. I was emotionally alone for so long that I can barely remember ever being happy.

I've worked really, REALLY hard on getting my confidence back. I've slowly returned to being my normal, sassy-mouthed, sarcastic self. It's great to be back. I'm happy and life is good. I've armed myself with tools to deal with self-pity, depression, guilt, anger and sadness. These things come at me occasionally, they team up every so often to try to give me the ol' double-whammy, but I've been able to find my center much more easily than ever before. I used to wallow in these negative feelings for days, sometimes weeks, but not anymore. I have confidence, happiness, sweetness & light and my mojo...they're never going to leave me again, because I'll never give them up again.

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