Comfort

It's rainy, miserable and downright cold for New York in August. It's a damp and dank 58 degrees as I write this and I'm thinking about how I'm going to stay warm.

I suppose it's too warm for flannel pajamas, but it's the perfect temperature for soup. It's the sure-fire way to feel warm and comforted.

I've discovered during the last year or so that there are many things out there that comfort me. Knowing that there are friends in at least 4 time zones I can call when I need to talk. Knowing I have a fully-functioning coffee maker. Knowing I have a healthy child. Knowing I have an education that no one can ever take away from me. Knowing I can prepare healthy, and well, comforting meals. Knowing I'll always have enough for the bills and there'll be a bit leftover for some little extravagence. Knowing that I own Steel Magnolias on DVD; this movie is always good for a laugh, which is a comfort.

I suppose people take their comfort in different ways. Some people I know need so much more that I do to feel comforted: expensive shoes, huge houses. There are also those who need so little; for example, my grandmother, she simply needs her children and grandchildren to gather about once a year.

I used to depend almost exclusively on food for comfort. If I had a bad day, then I'd simply start dreaming about what I would eat for dinner to chase the bad feelings away. I suppose anyone with an addiction does the same thing: a drug addict would think about his/her next fix, a compulsive shopper would think about where to shop, a alcoholic would just muddle through till they could start drinking.

Knowing there are beauties in the damndest places is enough of a comfort to get me through through this miserably rainy day.

Love, In All Its Forms...

This is always the last line I type when I post my Gratitude on my message boards. Sometimes I'm grateful for coffee, sometimes I'm grateful for my daughter, sometimes I'm grateful for not carrying any weapons to work so I can't hurt anyone...but I'm always thankful for the love I have in my life.

I've been blessed with the most amazing child. She's a diva who only wears dresses, wants to be a princess when she grows up, hates to leave the house with lip gloss and is the world's best cuddler. She really is my favorite person in the whole world. She's fun to be around, even if the Diva thing gets a bit old sometimes. She's actually commented to me not that long ago that only boys wear pajamas and that I should buy myself a nightgown.

I also have great parents. Sure, they're opinionated and stubborn, but supportive when they need to be and keep their mouths shut when it's most important. But, honestly, I have no idea what we're going to talk about once they retire. So many of our conversations revolve around what they're going to do when they retire. I still have an estimated 28 years till I retire so I can find lots of other subjects to chat about.

My girlfriends have carried me through some pretty trying experiences...major surgery, my divorce, family court appearances, debt, loneliness and the season finales of Dancing with Stars and So You Think You Can Dance. They tell me when I need to slow down, they tell me when I'm being ridiculous, they tell me to get over myself, they support me when I'm angry (unless I start searching for the aforementioned weapons), they tell it's ok to cry and they tell me when to stop...I wonder how I would have gotten through the last year without them.

I have taken steps to cut out family that suck the love and energy I have to offer out of me. I have been through way too much in the last year to love unconditionally anymore. I know that's sad, but it is what it is. Life is too damn short to be miserable, it's too damn short to spend it with relatives with whom you have nothing in common and with whom you have no respect.

One day, another friend or a man will walk into my life and the ability to love unconditionally will return, but for now, I'm grateful for the love I have for my family, the love I have for my friends, the love I have for myself...and the love of Starbucks Toffee Nut Lattes...which are a little bit of heaven right here on earth.

Sorry It's Been So Long...

Time has a sneaky way of sneaking away from me. It's been almost 4 months since my last blog and I really don't have a good excuse about why it's been so long.

I went away with my Ya Ya's at the end of June. We all met on a message board about 2 years ago and get together in someone's hometown every summer. 2 years ago we met in Atlanta; last year, we had our gathering in Kalispell, Montana and this year we all met up in Pittsburgh.

Ahhh, Pittsburgh. I'm lovin' this city. Its beauty is quite different from New York's beauty, it is much more rugged, but it is something to behold. My friend, J, and her husband, B, settled in Pittsburgh about 6 years ago after B got a transfer. They have this incredble house; it was built inthe 1880's (At least that's whatI remember), with 8 bedrooms, a maid's staircase and great porch out front with a tiled floor and enough room for a table and chairs and a hammock.

There are about 8 in the core group. Some are SAHM's, some are women with jobs, some have children, some can't have children, almost all of us have been divorced, but there are the chosen few who seemed to get it right the first time. These women have carried me through major surgery, divorce, and depression. They've made me laugh, they've cried with me and they've told me to get the hell over myself when I needed to hear it most. There's not an ounce of bullshit in the whole lot. And after living a lie for so long, it's a welcome change.

In another area of my life...FRU is starting kindergarten in September, which is hard for me. At this moment 5 years, I was so pregnant that I was about to explode and now I'm getting that wee bairn ready for kindergarten. I now know what all of those parents have been complaining about for centuries...where did all the time go? Just a minute ago, I was praying she's sleep through the night so I could get some rest and now I need to buy her some black marbled notebooks and few pencils. It's simply baffling.

Just last night, she marched into my room and declared that she could spell her name. She recited each letter of her name and I have to admit, my knees buckled...just a bit.

I see changes in her everyday. She's more of a child now and less of a baby. She's tall, articulate, stubborn (gee, I wonder from where she got that trait?!?) and sweet. Oh, her sweetness!! She'll look at me when I'm feeling unpretty, or sad, or overwhelmed, or vulnerable and she say, "Mommy, I think you're beautiful!" All of a sudden, after hearing that, things dont' look so gray, so bleak, so...overwhelming.

My child loves me...and life continues to get better and better...

Making Headway with my Head

Getting my act together is one of the hardest tasks I've ever had to perform. Life seems to get in the way of the best intentions.

I'm working on a complex, very detail oriented project at work right now and I'm mourning the loss of my great aunt, who passed away on Sunday morning in Alabama. My dear grandmother won't be able to go to her sister's funeral and I know that will take an emotional toll on her. There's also the divorce and child support stuff to deal with as well as the day-to-day details.

In years past, I would have gone to the supermarket or the McDonald's drive thru, then gone home, then gone to pieces. I used food as a crutch, as a friend and as a drug.

After my gastric bypass, I can't do that any longer. I must deal with each issue of my life as it arises and I'm getting better at it. It's still a pain in the ass and I wish very often that I could escape, but if it's one lesson I've learned over the last two years, it's that I can't escape.

I helped a friend through a difficult situation last week. She did something she wasn't proud of and needed to talk about it. I didn't judge her, it's really not up to me to judge anyone, but she didn't want to think of the situation's cause. There was a specific reason she did what she did. And once she made that connection, the whole thing became easier to deal with. She called me a few days later to thank me for not letting her wallow in the outcome.

This is how I've chosen to live with the rest of my life. If I ignore situations, or try to escape them, they grow and fester and become much, MUCH bigger than they were originally. They start to overwhelm me and there's simply no room in my complicated life right now for overwhelming situations.

On a lighter note, I think I'm ready to start dating again. I even have my eyes set on someone, but, of course, I haven't seen him since I decided it would be a good idea to have coffee with him. Who knows what will happen, but I guess the bigger point to get across is that I think I've healed enough to entertain the idea of companionship again. My ex will always be a part of my life by virtue of us having a child together, but that doesn't mean that I can't share my time with someone.

So, in essence, what I'm trying to say is that life is good. It's trying, it's busy, it's complicated...but it's bright and happy and good...

Movin' On...

I began the process of moving on with my life in July of 2006, when I ended my eight year marriage.

If I only knew then what I know now...

That action began a journey of self-discovery that astounds me almost every day. I have more respect from my family and friends and, most importantly, I have more self respect.

Life isn't meant to be lived in the shadows. It's meant to be dealt with head-on. That's how you get to life your fullest life. Attack problems with positive energy and the results will be so bright, they'll almost blind you.

I am a better mother, a better daughter, a better friend, a better employee...all because I learned to be honest with myself. I thought I was kidding everyone, but those who love me most saw right through me, and they knew I was full of shit. But now, I have a "Take No Enemies" mentality. I will help anyone who wants help and will guide anyone who wants guidance. I will no longer expend my precious energy on anyone who isn't willing to expend their own energy on themselves. I will no longer be held responsible for anyone's happiness. Everyone is responsible for themselves. One needs to do whatever will make them happy, but that person must accept the consequences of his/her actions.

I found my backbone in the last 7 months. I try to fill my life with light and grace. I meditate on things that trouble me. I stop and put the focus on myself when I need it. I see the joy in all of life's little gifts. I concentrate on what I want rather that what I don't want.

I don't carry around any emotional baggage. I don't let anyone push me around anymore, I don't let anyone reduce my self worth or self esteem, and I don't carry grudges for people who try to do these things to me.

I move away from the toxicity...and move on...

De-Cluttering Your Life

I swear, I just love Oprah. Sure, she's got bazillions of dollars to spend on real estate and jewelry and clothes and shoes, but she knows about the hard life too. As I recall, she grew up dirt poor in Mississippi, was abused and was told she's never amount to anything.

And just now look at her; she's at the pinnacle of her career. In all her wealth and power, she finds ways to relate to the American Woman.

Yesterday's episode was about de-cluttering your home and in turn, de-cluttering your life. They spotlighted this family of 6, who had more stuff than I thought possible. 18 year old sweatpants, every toy their daughters ever had, and they're oldest (twins) are 9. Oprah got this organizational guru to go into their home and get rid of the crap. And what the couple didn't realize is that they were putting their focus on all the wrong things; all the things that they might need one day. It was an amazing transformation, watching this mother realizing why she was saving all this stuff.

I did a purge 6 months ago when my ex moved out. He liked to save things: sale circulars, clothes he knew full well he would never wear again, old shoes that were worn out. Our home was constantly covered in papers, I just couldn't keep on top of the mess so I fed into it.

Well, once he was gone, I filled 3 or 4 garbage bags with stuff that I was never going to use. I just chucked it all. I went through my closet and gave away all the clothes that didn't fit or that I hadn't worn in a year; looking back, I probably got rid of half my wardrobe. I went into my daughter's room and filled a garbage bag of stuffed animals that she's never touched let alone played with. I gave away clothes, toys, baby equipment...tons of stuff.

I felt so much better when I was done.

I told a girlfriend that I was doing all this deep cleaning and she responded, "No, honey, you're not cleaning, you're cleansing."

Wow, it was an a-ha moment. She was absolutely right. I was sweeping all the bad energy out of my home to make way for good, positive energy.

That realization gave me the strength to go into my nemesis room, the 3rd bedroom that was supposed to my my home office. It became a walk-in closet, full of books, boxes and clothes. It was like that for 3 years. I went in there with a vengeance and got rid of even more stuff, most of it being true garbage so I kicked it to the curb.

My home and my life are nowhere near perfect. I still have dust under my living room sofa, I still have blank walls where I'd like to hang pictures, and I still don't have bedroom curtains. But my aura and my feng shui is straighter that it's been in a really long time and even if it's a little off center, it's ok. I'm not striving for perfection, I don't believe perfection exists. I'm just trying to make my home into a haven, a safe place, a soft place to fall...

Learning to Deal...

If it's one thing I've learned in the last few years, it's that you must deal with issues as soon as you're able. You can't keep sweeping stuff under the rug, otherwise, when you least expect it, you'll trip over the lump onthe floor and fall on your face.

Someone who used to be close to me learned that lesson yesterday. This person is in serious financial trouble because the issues were ignored.

Difficulties (financial, emotional, physical, spiritual) need to be addressed.

I learned this lesson the hard way. I ignored my emotional being for about 10 years. I ate to suppress all that was ugly; I used food as a coping mechanism. Then I had gastric bypass and I HAD to learn to cope; food couldn't be my friend anymore. I taught myself to meditate. I'm not sure if I'm doing it correctly, but whatever I'm doing works for me. I rediscovered my love of cooking and started to prepare foods that truly nourished me, body and soul. I started venturing out on walks again. Taking a hot bath on a Saturday night with a good book and an icy margarita can also soothe the soul. Learning to appreciate all the little things came with all of these other lessons.

For me, this era of my life feels like a do-over. You remember, when the ball went out of bounds when you were a kid and we all shouted, "DO-OVER!!"

I gave myself the gift of a second chance at being an adult. This time I am a single mom, but much more self-assured. I don't have as much money, but realized that shopping shouldn't be a hobby. I've learned that getting up and going to work day after day, year after year is one of the hardest things you have to do. I've realized that no one is responsible for my happiness but me. I've come to the conclusion that the line from Jerry Maguire that says, "You complete me..." does a huge disservice to those who are comfortable in their own skin. I'm complete all by mahverahownself.

Life is hard enough; why not deal with whatever issues you having and then move on with a clear head?